One day, every knee

The sad-but-true story of the office peons...us :(

we had a special guest come into the office today.

cristobal greets our guest at the door, just as tomás and diego are entering. he introduces them and says "now you've met most of the company!"

emily and I are at the coffee machine making more coffee since our office downs coffee like it's air, and we were the ones to finish off the pot.

cristobal and the guest start making it down the hall toward us. they stop at juan's office on the way, and cristobal introduces juan as some senior-tecchie something or other.

marni (whispering): I wonder what we'll be introduced as?
emily: well, [our official title], of course. we basically run the business.
marni: yeah right...probably customer service peons.
emily: hahaha, good one.

cristobal and guest walk out of juan's office.

emily and I look up and smile, preparing to be introduced.

cristobal and guest walk toward us, and then straight past us, not even looking up.

cristobal: well, that's everyone!

smiles fade. emily and I are shocked.

marni (whispering): we don't even get an introduction??
emily: what the??
marni: are we invisible? they didn't even LOOK at us!
emily: it's because we are making coffee. Face it Marni, we're peons.

we hope to someday be introduction-worthy. when that happens, we'll know we've graduated from peon-hood.

Marni is addicted to "coffee"

Marni: I think I'm slowing becoming addicted to coffee *scared face*

Emily: hahah
Marni: I'm serious it's not funny.
Emily: you have 1 part coffee 9 parts french vanilla creamer. You are addicted to sugar.

Family Dinner: Episode 1

Boss man decided to instate a weekly family dinner and gave responsibility to Marni to organize. We can only imagine the conversations that will take place during the 1 hour lunch. Below is an e-mail from Marni to the Office.


Hello All,

In an effort to promote company unity, we will try to plan a lunch together every week. This Thursday we are having lunch catered by Central Market. This will be a family-style, sit-down lunch from 12:00 until 1:00 here in the office. Please plan your schedules accordingly.

Menu
Chicken Cordon Bleu
Field green salad
Whole wheat rolls
Grilled vegetables
Roasted rosemary potatoes
Chocolate éclair

Water will provided (filtered, courtesy of GB). If you would like something else, you are responsible for bringing it.

See you all there!

Marni
Office Catering Representative



We think this has the potential to be hilarious. Stay tuned.

#15. Why our boss is Dwights Schrute

Boss man comes in this morning and the first thing he says is:

"Popcorn. Don't eat it. My dentist said more serious dental injuries occur from eating popcorn than anything else."
"Oh. wow."
"Yes. The sheath of the popcorn can actually lodge itself up between the tooth and the gum creating a pocket that is ripe for infection."

A few seconds later I hear him in Diego's office.

"Popcorn. Don't eat it. My dentist said more serious dental injuries occur from eating popcorn than anything else."

#14. Why our boss is Dwight Schrute

Marni and I walked into the office today, and sadly it was void of our precious Christmas tree. As quickly as Christmas had come at the office, Christmas was gone. Our Boss does not "celebrate" Christmas like most Americans. He believes it's a scam, and decides to get friends and family gifts whenever he wants, not when the media tells him to.

True to form, our Boss delivered Christmas presents & cards today for everyone in the office on the exact day that the Christmas tree disappeared.
Marni: You delivered a Christmas card???
Boss: It's just something we send every year.
Marni: Like a Christmas card??
Boss: No. It's an annual update.
Marni: But it says 'Happy Holidays'

No response. 1 point Marni.

Bossman does not give us just any normal box of cookies, he gives us cookies that are the Purveyor to the Belgian Royal Household (as read from the box). He enjoys the finer things in life.

Jules Destrooper Biscuiterie Butter Almond Thins.

Austinuts Pistachios Chile Lime in Shell.

Jorge walked into our office to celebrate the gifts, specifically the Almond Thins.

Jorge shoveling Almond Thins into his mouth: These are so good!!! And healthy!!!
Marni: Jorge, they are butter Almond cookies.
Jorge: But it says Almond!
Marni: And you probably read "all natural", but they are actually pretty fattening.
Jorge with a full mouth: yeah yeah!! but so good!

Seconds later, we hear Jorge in Diego's office raving about the "healthy cookies".

Jorge bellowing with cookies in his mouth: These are really good but they are not healthy!!!! They look healthy but they are really cookies!!! You've got some happy campers in the office right now!!!

#13. Why Our Boss is Dwight Schrute

Boss: Are you and Josh doing anything fun this weekend?
Marni: I'm going on a retreat.
Boss: Are you being attacked?
Marni: ...Umm.....
Boss: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to encourage proper use of the English language.
Marni: Everyone says retreat.
Boss: Only stupid people.
Marni: Thanks.
John: What ever happened to calling them revivals.
Marni: You are thinking of something different.
John: Well that is what we call them in the south.
Chris: HA! Revivals are just an opportunity to prey upon unsuspecting souls and coerce them into giving the Revival organizers all of their money.

Buffalo in the Elevator, by Marni

Ok, so I wish I had planned this as a social experiment. If I had, it would have been hilarious. But I didn't, and it was mortifying.

A little background:

This is our mail key.

A buffalo key chain that was given to me by Jorge. He got it at a conference in Nicaragua.

This is what happens when you squeeze the buffalo:

Yes. Poop comes out. Surely you've seen one of these before, right? It's a pooping buffalo key chain, what's not to love?

Ok, so here's the setting:

I have to check the mail, so I grab the mail key, and push the elevator button to head downstairs to the mail room. I'm on the phone with my husband, which helps to pass the time. The elevator door opens to a full crowd of friends all chatting away leaving me in the middle of the elevator with the pooping buffalo key chain..

Out of habit, whenever I have the mail key in my hand, I squeeze the buffalo. I don't even think about it.

Well, as I'm chatting with the hubs, I see in the mirror (the elevator walls are mirrors) one of the ladies has a horrified look on her face, and is nudging her friend pointing at my pooping buffalo key chain.

"Oh, dear," I think to myself.

I turn around and look at her.

Me: Oh, are you talking about this? (holding up my pooping buffalo)

Lady: Yeah, what IS that?!? (disgusted face)

Me: It's a buffalo.

Lady #2: Oh...? (clearly needing more of an explanation)

Chatter has stopped. All 12 eyes are on me.

I've created a monster. I sigh and go on.

Me: Yeah.... when you squeeze it...well... it...... (I demonstrate the pooping buffalo)

Ladies: Eeewww!!!

Me: Yeah, it's kind of vulgar.

Ladies: So GROSS!! (not laughing, very disgusted)

Me: Yeah...

Lady #2: Where did you GET that??

Me: Oh, it's from one of my coworkers...he got it at a conference in Nicaragua.

Ladies: (again) Eww...

Guy from the back: Oh, I thought she had a voodoo doll or something!
Me thinking: voodoo doll????

I don't know what to say, so I just turn back around. I see in the mirror that my face is beet red. Awesome. The elevator continues to make it's way down, going slower than it's ever gone before. When the door opens I can't wait to take my pooping buffalo and get the heck outta dodge.

Reason #12489 Why To Work With Your BFF

Emily: In high school Christian and I made a really cool movie imitating "blood diamond".
Marni: That wasn't high school.
Emily: It wasn't?
Marni: No, it was college.
Emily: How do you know?
Marni: Because you posted it online, no one cared, but I thought it was hilarious.

Thank you Marni, for the daily confidence boosts, I am forever grateful.

Myth Busters (Office Edition)

Silly Putty cracks!?
We put this Myth to the test at the Office.

Meet the Myth Busters.
Juan- model-builder.
Marni- lead tester.
Emily- aerodynamics specialist.

Step 1.
Lay silly putty flat. Position Hammer.


















Step 2.
Hammer.


















Step 3.
Analyze data.


















Step 4.
Myth Busted.


















Conclusion: Silly putty does not crack. It does however provide for a good 15-minute distraction and a curious look from the maintenance staff.

10 Things To Be Thankful For In 2010

1. Maintenance fixed the automatic toilets so that they no longer flush multiple times while you are sitting.

2. Marni took one for the team, and cleaned the war zone that is the mini-fridge after The Great Coke Can Explosion Of 2009.

3. We have a filtered water pitcher thanks to Jorge. Also, the fact that Jorge calls it a "fildered" water because he doesn't like to say "filtered" since it contains the word "turd."

4. After months of 'Marni's Memos,' people are finally catching on to the phenomenon that we like to call 'clean up after yourself'.

5. When techies gather outside of Marni's door laughing and whispering, it gives Marni an excuse to retreat to the safety that is Emily's office.

6. Holiday treats have stopped arriving.

7.We have started calisthenics to reverse the effects of holiday treats.

If you, like Marni, doubt the existence of the word "calisthenics," see
here.

8. Having window offices and waving to the window washers.

9. New social experiment: See how long we can leave up the Christmas
tree until people start complaining. Marni's bet = end of this week.
Emily's bet = end of January.

10. WORKING WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND! *cue Michael W. Smith's
Friends are Friends Forever*