Customer Calls

Well, I'm cleaning out my inbox making sure there is nothing incriminating ;)

and I've come across some hilarious customer moments. I'll post them here. This was was a conversation Marni recorded.

Phone conversation with customer Suzie Smith*

"Do you accept crippled people?"

"Uh, yes, we do"

"So, how do I pay?"

"We accept payment via credit or debit card"

"You don't accept checks?? Well this is TERRIBLE! I don't have ONLINE banking!!"

"You don't have to have online banking, just a credit or debit card"

"Well...I have a credit card"

"That'll work"

"Well, thanks for your help Margie. It is Margie, right?"

SIGH.

*not the customer's real name

Restraining Order On Customers

From: Marni Walsh
Date: Wed, Sep 30, 2009 at 2:28 PM
Subject: restraining order, perhaps?
To: John, Doug, Chris, George, Tom


this is an email sent from a policyholder to emily.  she helped fix a situation with his bank not recognizing us as an insurer.

"Thank you Emily,

Emily thank you for all of your help now I'll give them a call and find out how much they owe me $$$ since I've paid in the past $100.00 with every payment.  If I get a refund Emily I'll take you out to lunch DEAL?  But serious I owe you big time, so think of a place to go to lunch and just tell your co-workers it's your cousin from out of town and that I'm here for the week and for them to mind their own business !!).  Ok Emily thank again I'll keep in touch, remember were now in the year 2009 and the women can call the guy and say I'll take you up on the lunch part with out being so shy.  Well take care and I hope to hear from you, the BALL IS IN YOUR COURT for lunch.

Thank you
Jorge"


-----------------------------

Marni: This convo just happened


Calvin: oh! well I was gonna give y'all more money!
Me: well you can keep your money for now!
Calvin: wow! you never hear that one! haha...so, I guess I can take my money and go out to eat!
Me: that sounds like a good idea!
Calvin: are you into dirty old men?? haha
Me: 
Calvin: I'm 82!
Me: uhh...
Calvin: maybe YOU can come out to eat with me! haha
Me: oh...ha...I don't think my husband would like that too much
Calvin: well, if you don't tell him, I won't!
Me: oh...heh...soooo, yep, you don't need to renew your policy until September!

Death by Customer Calls

25 minute conversation with 80 year old lady!

"I have green eyes."
"Banking crisis is bad."
"The housing loan dept screwed Washington Mutual."
"I hope the right person gives you guidance."
"I hope you have a sharp attorney."
"I'm just using you as a sounding board."


I DON'T CARE LADY!!!

Pushing the (Jesus) envelope with our customers

Marni: A customer just emailed me, "Please cancel my account, I am moving in with my fianceé." Is this a confession? Am I a priest?
Emily: Hahahah. Maybe reply back with a biblical verse about marriage? And sign it "Sincerely, Jesus Christ"
Marni: Or maybe, "You sure you don't want to wait until after the wedding?" Maybe he's just looking for an out!
Emily: Yessss!
Marni: Or, "Ok, I'll cancel. P.S. Check out my church's website here!"
Emily: LOLOLOLOL
Marni: Ok, I just emailed you the final draft. Let me know what you think.

Draft Email:

Dear {Customer},

Congratulations on the engagement!

Your account has been canceled. You will receive an automated email confirming this.

We wish you the best. (Jesus)

Sincerely,

Marni

Emily: Haha! YES!
Marni: Send? Too much?
Emily: Just put "Jesus" WHITE writing so he only sees it if he highlights. It's like an encrypted gospel message.
Marni: Ok, I sent it.

Sent Email:

Dear {Customer},

Congratulations on the engagement!

Your account has been canceled. You will receive an automated email confirming this.

We wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Marni

Emily: Oooh! You didn't do "Jesus"!
Marni: How could I ??
Emily: Be bold. Romans 1:9
Marni: Lol. Well, maybe he'll respond and say "thanks!" and then tell me something about the wedding...and we can go from there
Emily: Oooh good.

Ok, {customer}, the ball's in your court... :)

Customers in 2011

Customer Service. A necessary evil.

Marni and I work for a company that operates online. The company is highly tech savvy behind the scenes, and very user-friendly for our customers to navigate through the website to complete their purchases.

The only time a customer will call is if they have a problem. Therefore, we have the pleasure of, for the most part, only getting phone calls from extremely unhappy customers.

Here are a few assumptions we've learned that our customers have about us:

1. We are incompetent.

2. We are 18 years old.

3. We are in India.

4. We won't be able to help them,
so they might as well come out
the gate kicking and screaming.

We've been cussed at, yelled at, insulted, hung up on, and so on.

You get the idea - Customer service is not for the faint of heart.

However.... something happened when the ball dropped at midnight on January 1st... something strange, something mystifying, something.... good. When we returned to work on Monday, January 3rd, there was a shift in the way customers talked to us. It was unmistakable. It was quite simply... too good to be true.

For the first time, maybe in the history of mankind, the customers were NICE to us lowly customer service representatives. They were happy, laughing, and smiling (you could hear it). It's like everything in the world was right in 2011. Birds were chirping, dogs were wagging their tails, and children were frolicking in meadows under the radiant sun.

...

Here's what customers were saying to us:

"Let NOTHING stop you from having a great day, Marni!!!"

We can't believe it!

"You made my day, Emily!!!"

"Oh my gosh! I can not thank you enough! Have an INCREDIBLE new year!!!"

"I hope you have the HAPPIEST NEW YEAR of all!!!!"

"Now put a smile on your face!"

[Marni laughs]

"There ya go!!! hahahahaha!"

It was amazing. We couldn't believe it! We actually looked forward to the phones ringing...just to discover what sweet words would tickle our ears next!

Unfortunately, this was very short-lived. After just one week, our customers are back to their old selves. We're not blaming them. It's the nature of the biz. We are all programmed to hate customer service...probably because by the time we've gotten to the place where we need their assistance, we're already frustrated...sometimes hopping mad.

So, it was fun while it lasted.

We'll end with this.... be nice to customer service. We're really not that bad!

How do you say Marni, in Customer-ese #2

I really need to document more of these....

Marni: This is Marni, how may I help you?

Customer: Ah, MONTY???

Marni: No, it's actually Marni

Customer: M-O-N-Y??

Marni: Ahh...close enough.

Customer: Oh ok...Mony...

One minute later in the same conversation...

Customer: Oh, so I just didn't push the right button, Monty - it is Monty, right?

Marni: Uh, no, it's Marni

Customer: Oh, ok, Marni [he got it right!!!!], thank you very much. Adios...

Marni: Bye

As I'm hanging up he keeps going...

Customer: ...Toodles. Bye bye now. [click]

quiet phones

We had a visitor in and he walked by Marni's office and said:

Jack: I don't want to jinx you or anything, but I've noticed the phones are very quiet

me: hahahahahah

Marni: shush jack! you're gonna put us out of a job!!

#1. Customer Quotes

67-year-old lady leaving a voicemail:

"You can call me back, but I'm leaving for square dancing soon so I may not pick up. Bye bye!!!!"

-

Emily: This is Emily, how may I help you?
Man on phone: What's your name?
Emily: Emily.
Man on phone: Hermione??!!

-

Hang up the phone, completely.

Emily leaving a customer a voicemail: ... thanks and have a great day.

*click, or so I thought*

Emily: Hey Marni want to hear a special treat?

Marni: um. ok?

Emily: ♪ Somebody... SOMEBODY... somebody... SOMEBODY! Can anybody fiiind meeee... soooomeboooody to loooooove... SOMEBODY... somebody... SOMEBODY somebody... SOMEBODY to loooooooveeeee ♫

This continued on for about three minutes, until I heard a faint noise. I stopped singing to see where the noise was coming from. I purposely had turned my speakers off so that I could sing my own rendition of Queen's "Somebody to Love" to Marni.

The noise was the automated voicemail lady: "...You have reached the message limit. Your message will now be sent."

Oh...dear....

A few minutes later, the customer who received my song message called back. She didn't mention anything about the incident...but I could tell from her tone that she had heard every minute of the message...and no longer respected me as a business professional.

Customers REALLY like Marni

In an email to Marni, a customer signed his name with a word that some might call "too much," "inappropriate," or "creepy," coming from a customer. It's true that we do live in a world where words are tossed around loosely, but this one just caught us off guard.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Peter
Date: Mon, Feb 8, 2010 at 3:56 PM
Subject: RE: [CONTACT] Please Contact Peter - 2010-02-06 14:19:15 -0600
To: Marni


Here is the requested information.

Love, Peter.

--------------------------------------------


....on gchat.....
Marni: look at the email I just got
emily: love??? ahahahah
Marni: I guess he's just in a lovey dovey mood with valentine's day coming up
Marni: bleh. I mean really? who says LOVE in an email to a customer service person ??

Voicemail has feelings too

The following was a voicemail left on the machine while I was on another call...

Man in an angry voice: "I sure HOPE TO HELL you call me back."

...minutes later the same man calls back...

Emily: "Hello, how can I help you?"
Man in a very kind voice: "Oooooh Hiii! How are you?"

KC & The Sunshine Band

The following phone conversation took place at 01000 hours with Emily and a customer. We can't make this stuff up.

Customer makes a statement, asking if it is correct.
Emily: uh huh
Customer makes another generalization
Emily: uh huh
Customer says final statement
Emily: uh huh, that is correct.
Customer sings: ♫ That's the way, uh huh uh huh I like it. ♫
Emily: .... ha ha (a little bit confused why the customer is singing)
Customer: You reminded me of that song.
Emily: Oohhh, can I help you with anything else?
Customer: Nope. I'm going to sign up with your program because I like it. ♫ That's the way, uh huh uh huh I like it, uh huh uh huh.♫ Okay bye.

Celebrity customer??

....Marni responding to a customer named Paula....
Marni: This may be out of line.... but are you from American Idol?

ah yes, the classic confuse our customers with a celebrity gag.

Our customers know us too well....

The following is a conversation from the same Craigs List enthusiast from this post.

Ring Ring Ring

"This is Emily"

customer: How was your vacation?

"Good, but I'm not sure who this is?"

customer: It's Joe!

"Did I tell you I was on vacation?

customer: Oh, well I figured it out somehow.

"Oh..."

Why we love our customers

Excerpt from a conversation with possibly my newest favorite customer:

"Have you ever heard of the term 'computer illiterate'?...Well, I have a new one for ya, 'computer stupid.' That's what I am. It's a step below illiterate."

He is 63-years-old.

"You know what motivated me to get on the computer?

I'm assuming he's going to say our company. "No, I don't"

"Craig's List"

"Oh!...I've never bought anything off of Craig's List"

"You haven't? Well let me give you some tips!"

I did not envision the huge can of worms this would open...

"You're gonna want to go to the website, Craigslist.com. Then you want to click on Dallas/Ft. Worth. See, they sell stuff from all over the world"

"uh huh.."

"...like a bunch of other countries...!"

Apparently my response wasn't enthusiastic enough, so this time I try, "Oh wow!"

"YEAH!...So...you click on Dallas/Ft. Worth."

"ok..."

"Then you can search for what you want to look for. When you first start out, you should go to the section that says "general" and you can get an idea of all the things they sell"

"uh huh..."

I've bought all sorts of things on Craig's List...tires...ATVs...tractors"

"oh, wow. tractors?"

"Yeah! So, there's all these items for saaaaale...and then there's sites for jobs, housing, discussion forums, personals...services, you know, if you want someone to work on a computer"

"mmhmm"

"You know what's neat? It's neat to every once in awhile to New Zealand...and just see what they've got"

"Oh yeah, that would be neat"

"Yeah, it's crazy some stuff they've got!"

"Ok, great, I'll have to check it out"

"You really should. If you need to buy anything, go to Craig's List. If you need a car, then even have cars! If you need couches...TVs...microwaves..."

Humoring him at this point, "So I bet some things go pretty fast?"

"OH, you BET! Some things go real fast! Like, if someone's selling something for a really good deal, it's gonna go in just MINUTES. But if someone's selling something for not a really good deal, it'll stay up there awhile."

"Wow...well, thanks for the tip"

"Oh yeah, well I've told a bunch of people about your company, so hopefully I've just made another customer for Craig's List!"

"Oh yeah, I'll definitely look at it...maybe today even"

"Oh yeah! You SHOULD!"

It is possible I can get through the rest of this week without Emily...If and only if our customers are this entertaining!

Things we are not.

Phone rings:
"This is Emily"
"Hi, I was just calling to find out..... are you a modeling agency?"

This conversation takes place at least once a day:
"Is this the water company?"
"no."
"Are you sure?"
"yes."
"what number did I call?????"
"I don't know."
"you aren't the water company?"
"still no."
"can you help me with my bill???"
"impossible."
"you can't help me with my bill???"
"no."

Uppercase P, Lowercase what???

Background info: All of our customers have a user name and password. They usually set their password to something awkward and forgettable like their dog's name backwards. If they somehow forget their password, our IT dept will do a manual reset, and I will tell them the password over the phone.

On this particular day, Diego reset the customer's password to 14MyPassword.
Note: passwords are case sensitive

This is how is went down:

Emily: Okay your temporary password is: 1...4... upper case M, lower case Y, upper case P...

Marni in the background knowing where this was going: lowercase assword! HA!! ASSWORD!

Emily trying not to laugh: ....lowercase A-S-S...

Customer: What??
Marni: BAHAHAHAHA...

Emily: giggle, giggle...Sorry, um, lowercase a-s-s-w-o-r-d...?

Customer: I'm sorry...what is the password?

Meanwhile Marni is dying laughing, and making me laugh, so I put the phone on mute to say, "Shut up Marni!!!"... except that the phone wasn't on mute. DOH!

Customer: Umm...hello? Er...what's my password?

Emily: I'm sorry. The new password is "14MyPassword" with an uppercase M and P.

Now Marni is on the ground laughing. I'm trying to keep helping the customer get logged in, stifling my giggles.

Since then, we've asked Diego if he could please never again reset passwords to "capital P lowercase assword."
....For our sake, the customer's sake, and the sake of the company.....

how do you say Marni in customer-ese?

Apparently Marni is the hardest name in the world to hear, understand, reproduce, etc.

These are the many names I've been called while at the office...the list will continue to grow, I'm sure...

-Marley (by a quasi co-worker)
-Bonnie
-Moni
-Mahnee (not even a British accent)
-Minnie
-Marty (of course)
-Mava
-Margie
-Lonnie