Cristobal's Birthday... sort of...

Oh goodness gracious how do I even start this post.

Wednesday, January 18th, Tomas comes into my office and is like

"Psst, Emily, I got a reminder that it's Cristobal's birthday today. Do me a favor eh and buy him a cake."

Tomas is in full-on mob mode and at this point has slipped me $30 secretly. He actually did dealings with the mob in NYC in the '70s. 

Cristobal doesn't celebrate birthdays. Or any holiday really. He thinks they are superfluous and American propaganda. So I knew a traditional birthday cake would be nothing short of offensive, so I called for a seasonal fruit tart. 

Family lunch (which can be read about here), was on Cristobal's birthday, so I alerted the techhies to keep conversation flowing while I snuck out to get the cake about 20 minutes into lunch. A normal lunch is about 30 minutes max, and that includes 3-4 minute stretches of absolute silence. I knew this would be a risk to leave them unattended but I had to go. 

I returned 20 minutes later empty handed because the cake wasn't ready so they said they would deliver it. I walk into the room and all eyes are on me, panick across everyone's face, and Tomas gives me his best "whatsdamattawithya" mob look. 

The next few minutes were painful for everyone. The techhies didn't know if we should keep talking. Tom started sweating. Cristobal was gleefully happy everyone was still sitting down after the 30-minute mark. Think happy Michael Scott when The Office actually goes along with whatever ridiculous idea he has. 

Anyway. Cristobal stepped out for a moment and I told everyone to "Be Cool the cake is on its way" which resulted in a roar of laughter, I'm still not sure why. Finally a few minutes later the fruit tart cake arrived, to which we all said:

Happy Birthday Cristobal!!!

To which he replied, "My birthday is next Wednesday."

Tomas is shuffling around on his phone and admits "Oh, it was the week in advance reminder....."

So, we ate Fruit Tart cake and celebrated Cristobal's non-birthday and went back to our offices. A week later no one said a word on Cristobal's actual birthday and NG's (his intro here) birthday was today,  which no one was aware of, so I went scrambling for another cake hoping it was actually his birthday.

catering FAIL

normally we are just thrilled with our catering selection.

here is what we ordered this week from our caterers which we will call "BTB":

New York 12.95 per person
- Crisp Romaine Hearts with Caesar Dressing, Focaccia Croutons and Parmesan Cheese
- Grilled Chicken Lasagna
- Ratatouille of Zucchini, Squash, Carrots and Tomatoes
- Italian Cream Cake
- Fresh Baked Garlic Bread

sounds amazing right??

wwweeellllllllll....it wasn't! It was reeking of Nutmeg and all sorts of funky chicken-like substitutes.

We decided to draft an email to BTB expressing our disappointment:

Emily's email to Marni at 4:35PM

BTB,

WTF?

No Nutmeg.

XOXO,

E & M

Marni's email back at 4:40PM

my edits:

BTB,

WTH (a little softer)

NMN *No More Nutmeg*

XOXO

E & M

P.S. That was CHICKEN???

Emily's Email at 4:43PM

my edits:

BTB,

WTHELLO OPERATOR?!?!?! (no room for assumptions)

NMN!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXO LMC555555 *LMC5 = Love you Miss you Call you in 5*

E & M

P.S. That was $%*#&@!!? CHICKEN???

now all that's left to decide is whether or not to send to BTB... 

Major Party Foul

You may or most likely may not know, every Wednesday we have a nice catered lunch to the office. It was started in effort to promote company unity. We call it "family dinner", you can read about some of the Dwight Schrute-inspired conversations at family lunch here, or here.

Yesterday's catered lunch menu was one for the ages.

Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Plantain Chips

Caribbean Pulled Pork Tacos, with Lime, Orange, Cilantro and Flour Tortillas

Black Beans and Rice

Coconut-Banana Bread Pudding

Marni and I always stretch out the leftovers for about 6 more meals each. So it's really

a win-win. Today we went in for leftovers and found the "pulled pork" sitting in a sludgy substance that Marni promised was just "fat". It was highly unappetizing but we ate it anyway.

About 3:30pm after other co-workers have helped themselves to leftovers, we notice the food is STILL in the conference room with the door closed. So we take it upon ourselves to go into the conference room and put the leftovers in the fridge.

We open the door to the conference room and BOOM. WORST SMELL OF MY LIFE. We ran out quickly and began discussing options to rid our office of the smell.

Solution?

0.5 fl oz of "Fine Cologne", that was a gift from Tomas.

We figured the two odors would neutralize themselves to nothingness.

Unfortunately, we did not learn from this post how potent the unwavering stench of this $2 bottle of "fine cologne" is and it's ability to linger for hours...nay... days.

Now the office smells like an old man + an old carpet + fatty pork + dead flowers.

New solution?

LIME. We squeezed limes all over the carpet and into the air and may have rubbed some limes on doors too.

Shockingly the lime did nothing.

Cologne+Lime+Day-Old-Fatty-Pork = Death.

The CEO has called it a "major party foul" and that we were driving him out of his own office.

The tech guys have been sneezing non-stop.

Jorge laughed. (he can appreciate this type of humor/failure)

And Marni claimed her vision was getting blurry.

I'm afraid the smell will leak into the hallways into other tenants offices...

August Family Lunch Quotes

Emily: Why are all of the presidents left-handed?

Tomás: ALL OF THEM????

Emily Well... a lot of them...a suspicious amount of them are left-handed.

Tomás: It's because they are liberal...... because they are gay liberals....... they are gay liberal lawyers.

Emily: Oh my.

--

Emily: Jorge did you see Inception?

Jorge: Yeah! I walked out of it. I was so bored.

Emily: Really? Why??

Jorge: It's not real.

Emily: So you only see movies that are based on true stories?

Jorge: Yes.

Emily: You saw Toy Story though...

Jorge: You're telling me Toy Story isn't based on a true story????

Family Dinner : Episode #4

Cristobal: I go running in East Dallas where all the Spanish people live. It's very dangerous. The pit bull population is STAGGERING.

Marni: (whispered to Emily) Spanish people??

Emily: Then why do you run there?

Cristobal: Oh, I carry protection.
Emily: A gun??
Cristobal: A rock.
Juan: You should carry another pit bull to counter-attack.
Cristobal: HAHA! Anyway, if I controlled the world, I would eradicate all dogs and cats.
Marni: What?? That's horrible!

Cristobal: If you saw the way most people treat pets..!

Marni: So it's better to kill them ??
Cristobal: The Spanish people in East Dallas don't know how to take care of pets.

Marni: I would LOVE to see all of these "Spanish people" in Dallas.
Emily: Yeah, you know they're probably not "Spanish," Cristobal.
Cristobal: Actually, it's quite obvious they are Spanish. Look at their cheek bones and skin pigmentation. They are most definitely not indigenous, but rather of European descent.

Family Dinner: Episode #3

Conversation was pleasantly centered around camping and the general outdoors, until....

Emily: Juan, do you like camping?

Juan: I like toilets.

And the next 30 MINUTES of conversation was devoted to TOILETS.

Including but not limited to:

-French toilets

-Japanese toilets

-Toilet experiment in Seattle

-Toilets in China, that are really just holes in the ground

-Toilets you pay for

-Terrible toilets at swim meets, where you pee in front of everyone

-The worst airport toilets

-Toilets that wash themselves

We can't make this stuff up.

All we wanted to do was enjoy our fresh fruit tartlet:

Emily's Catering Order of the Century

Emily called Central Market to place this week's family dinner order (#3 if you're keeping tabs).

Prior to the order, Emily and I discussed the options for our order:

Marni: What's green bean amandine?
Emily: What?
Marni: Right there (pointing)
Emily: Green bean a-MAN-dyne...
Marni: (mumbling as I search online) ah-min-deen...

Emily: Oh! and we could get herb (pronouncing the h) rissahto
Marni: ...herb risotto...

Mere moments later, Emily, on the phone with the caterer:

Emily: ...and we'd like the green bean a-MAN-dyne
Me (in the background): Bahahaha
Caterer: Ah-min-deen?
Emily: Oh...haha...yes....amandine...I'm just making it up as I go...
Caterer: Oh...uh...ok...
Emily: And Herb [pronouncing the h] rissahto cakes
Caterer: ...I'm sorry...what do you want?
Me (in the background): EMILY! it's "ERB" - silent H!
Emily: Oh, I mean herb [no h-this time] rissahto cakes
Caterer: Oh, ok, herb ri-ZO-to cakes
Emily: Oh..yeah...haha...umm...and then chocolate POT de CREAM
Caterer: Oh, we don't have the chocolate po' de creme [French pronunciation] anymore

For those of you that don't know, this is not an off-day for Emily. This is classic Emily. In all her glory. She makes work and life quite entertaining!

...and that's why I wouldn't change a thing about her :-D

Family Dinner: Episode 2

Marni and I took it upon ourselves to make Family Dinner really special. We made name cards, and even flowers out of construction paper. Once the food arrived, we set the table elegantly.

But you know how the old saying goes: if you don't learn from history, you are doomed to repeat your mistakes. We should have known our office could care less about construction paper flowers and name cards.

Our efforts were less than appreciated. In fact, some did not even sit in front of their name cards - possibly even taking offense to the gesture, saying "I don't sit at assigned seats!".

Conversation consisted of if you have unlimited time and money what would be your hobby? Our boss wants to be a farmer. A beet farmer.

The only redeeming quality was the roasted grilled vegetables. That and the delectable chocolate eclair. And the rosmary potatoes, baked to perfection. And the fluffy whole wheat rolls. And the light, yet satisfying, salad of fresh greens. And the flavorful chicken cordon bleu.

....What are we saying? Family dinner was amazing!!!!! We can't wait for the next one!!!!

Family Dinner: Episode 1

Boss man decided to instate a weekly family dinner and gave responsibility to Marni to organize. We can only imagine the conversations that will take place during the 1 hour lunch. Below is an e-mail from Marni to the Office.


Hello All,

In an effort to promote company unity, we will try to plan a lunch together every week. This Thursday we are having lunch catered by Central Market. This will be a family-style, sit-down lunch from 12:00 until 1:00 here in the office. Please plan your schedules accordingly.

Menu
Chicken Cordon Bleu
Field green salad
Whole wheat rolls
Grilled vegetables
Roasted rosemary potatoes
Chocolate éclair

Water will provided (filtered, courtesy of GB). If you would like something else, you are responsible for bringing it.

See you all there!

Marni
Office Catering Representative



We think this has the potential to be hilarious. Stay tuned.