#6. Why Our Boss Is Dwight Schrute

Cristobal: I wouldn't wish anyone to be a Pastor.
Emily & Marni: yikes. why?
Cristobal: It's a horrible, rotten job.
-
Marni: What do you think about silk?
Cristobal: Wonderful fabric. Very expensive. But lovely.
-
Marni: That lady walks funny.
Cristobal: It's because she's wearing terrible, poorly constructed shoes.
-
Marni: Tell us what you really think about us.
Emily: What? No, I don't agree to this.
Cristobal: I would take a perverse pleasure in watching you cry.
Marni: I don't think you should have children.
Cristobal: Too late.

It Is Your Birthday.

Marni, thank you thank you thank you!

Modeling Agency

It may be something worth looking into.....

Here, Marni tries her hand at modeling. A comparison with the lady on the coffee maker box. 

....After the photo shoot....

Marni: that was hard! she is good. I guess that's why she's a model. 

Video: cafe disco part 2

I feel that I must explain...

I'm not a party pooper. I'm all for dance parties. It just so happens that this was filmed on the very day I was taking a very important licensing exam! I went to the conference room to get some last-minute studying in...but emily had other plans...

Things we are not.

Phone rings:
"This is Emily"
"Hi, I was just calling to find out..... are you a modeling agency?"

This conversation takes place at least once a day:
"Is this the water company?"
"no."
"Are you sure?"
"yes."
"what number did I call?????"
"I don't know."
"you aren't the water company?"
"still no."
"can you help me with my bill???"
"impossible."
"you can't help me with my bill???"
"no."

#5. Why our boss is Dwight Schrute

The following is a real conversation that took place in The Office.

Cristobal: The day of reckoning has come.
Marni & Emily: Huh?
Cristobal: For the squirrels. I hate the squirrels.
Marni: Awwwww, why?
Cristobal: They are ruining the fruits of my labor. They are eating everything.
Marni: Oh, they're just hungry.

.....After a few minutes of silent contemplation.....

Cristobal: I'm going to kill them. I'm ready to dynamite the squirrels out of the city.
Marni: What???? No!!! They're so cute!
Cristobal: They are rats. They are rodents. Rats are more useful than squirrels. I'm going to kill the squirrels.
Marni: Aw, just throw a rock near them.
Cristobal: Oh, trust me, I've thrown rocks at them. It doesn't work. They keep coming back. They have tiny brains, you know. Why do you think they use rats in laboratory testing? Because they have bigger brains that squirrels!
Marni: Why don't you just build a fence around your plants?
Cristobal: Do you know how big my garden is? It's a miniature farm! Nothing works. I'm going to shoot them with a pellet gun.
Marni: Ahhhhh...that is so sad!
Cristobal: Oh, I'm not going to hurt them. I'm going to shoot them with a 500 meter per second pellet gun so that I know the pellet pierces the brain.
Marni: That is hurting them!...You are terrible.
Cristobal: Squirrels are the frat daddies of the rodent world.
Emily: ...is this conversation really happening?
Cristobal: I've had it with squirrels. I planted a plum tree, and after waiting 3 years for it to mature, it produced 60 plums. 60 plums and those squirrels ate them all! 60 plums! I spent 3 years...they ate them all!
Marni: hehe. plums.
Cristobal: And they ate 25 stalks of corn, that's the equivalent of 100 ears of corn.
Marni: Oh.
Cristobal: Emily, have you ever had a garden?
Emily: My mom has.
Cristobal: But have you?
Emily: No.
Cristobal: Marni, have you?
Marni: No.
Cristobal: Aaah! You two should plant a garden! It's really easy. The food from a garden is sooo good. The flesh of the fruit in the grocery store is waxy and built to withstand the duress of transportation, but fruit from the garden is pure. The skin is delicate and supple. The fruit from a garden is delicious. And the squirrels are ruining it. They are ruining it all. That is why the day of reckoning has come... I am going to kill the squirrels. I'm going to put corn on a 6x10 piece of plywood and shoot them with my pellet gun. I hate squirrels.

911

Dispatcher: "Did someone call 911?"
Emily: "Er.. uh, yes I did. Sorry. I... well, we have to dial 9 and then 1 and sometimes I accidentally press 911."
Dispatcher: "Try not to do that."
Emily: "Yes, ok sorry. it was not intentional."

Video: 8:00 Coffee

Ahhh.. You may or may not have seen our other infomercial, but we are just two office co-workers who enjoy good products.... So sue us- no, don't sue us. That is opposite of the point we are trying to make.  

.

George is fratty

me:  were you in a frat??

Sent at 2:53 PM on Monday

George:  hate frat's

they suck

they are from hell

me:  answer the question!!!

George:  no

me:  ok thnx.

Dwight Schrute's Rant List

Christobal's Rants:

1. The construction of kid's shoes
2. grass (especially in relation to city ordnances)
   
3. US government
   
4. bridesmaids dresses (“bridesmaids should be allowed to wear a nice pair of slacks if they want to")
5. problems for long torsos
   
6. candy (American confectionary is pathetic) 
   
7. Dora the Explorer (terrible theme song)
   
8. government clearance levels
   
9. TV (sucks)
   
10. propaganda of American Universities
11. traditions/brainwashing (ie: Aggie ring)
    
12. ice 
    
13. celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, etc
    
14. National Recognition Days (Secretary Appreciation Day, etc)
    
15. diamonds (“intrinsically worthless”)
    
16. laziness/gluttony
    
17. standing on escalators (wasting one's youth)
18. 2002 Jaguar (being a glorified Ford Taurus)
    
19. dental care
    
20. the “founding fathers” of American/Revolution (all lies)
    
21. poor floor division for AC ventilation
    
22. poor uses of space
    
23. Disney World (boring, ridiculously long lines)
    
24. having a Degree being more important than experience (bologna)
    
25. makeup (and its overuse)
    
26. insect bits in food
    
27. the sun is actually good for your skin (Vitamin C)
    
28. tools (cheaply made hole punch)
    
29. Building codes in America (modern buildings only built to last 20-30 years)
    
30. Burger King (it's disgusting)
    
31. unprepared journalists