#18. Why Our Boss is Dwight Schrute

Cristobal: Marni, this is why you need to know the Army Alphabet. Just pretend you are an area forward spot. You have munitions firing every which way. The artillery is 15 miles due south. You have binoculars and must transmit the proper code on coordinates or lives will be lost. Foxtrot Lima Bravo four niner! Otherwise... BAM!!!!!! Dead. All of them. You killed your own men.

Real Voicemail from Jorge

Simply stunning.

"Hey Emily this is Jorge. I'm gonna be gone tomorrow... tomorrow is Friday, because today is Thursday, and Friday comes after Thursday. That's the way we do it here. I've got like a little cheese little fruit little veggie thing in the fridge that I bought TODAY, Thursday, that I forgot to eat... I know, you can't imagine I would forget to eat something.... but I did! And it's sitting in there, and I'm not gonna be back until next Thursday, so either have.... you eat it... or give it to someone else so it doesn't just go to waste. It's perfectly good Starbucks Organic Fruit Veggies and Cheese. Alright?!?? LOVE YA! In a sister to brother way.... Take care ma'am. See ya."

Marni

Hey. It's Emily. I think we should update here more. and make the bloog private again so we can write funnier stories without risking our jobs.

wbwbwbwbwbwb

Air Fresheners

When we get time.... we've got a hil-ar-ious story about air fresheners. and by hilarious I mean disturbing.

so we can laugh about it later

Marni this is just for you, words aren't needed. Pinkman.

Family Dinner : Episode #4

Cristobal: I go running in East Dallas where all the Spanish people live. It's very dangerous. The pit bull population is STAGGERING.

Marni: (whispered to Emily) Spanish people??

Emily: Then why do you run there?

Cristobal: Oh, I carry protection.
Emily: A gun??
Cristobal: A rock.
Juan: You should carry another pit bull to counter-attack.
Cristobal: HAHA! Anyway, if I controlled the world, I would eradicate all dogs and cats.
Marni: What?? That's horrible!

Cristobal: If you saw the way most people treat pets..!

Marni: So it's better to kill them ??
Cristobal: The Spanish people in East Dallas don't know how to take care of pets.

Marni: I would LOVE to see all of these "Spanish people" in Dallas.
Emily: Yeah, you know they're probably not "Spanish," Cristobal.
Cristobal: Actually, it's quite obvious they are Spanish. Look at their cheek bones and skin pigmentation. They are most definitely not indigenous, but rather of European descent.

Jorge's Lack of Filter #2

Jorge, despite being called "Jorge" in the bloog, is actually not hispanic, and does not know any Spanish. So he comes into my office in need of some Spanish-speaking help:

Jorge: Can you interpret something for me?

Marni: Your dream? Sure, come on in.

Jorge: Hahahaha. But no. For my housekeeper.

Marni: You have a housekeeper??

Jorge: Yeah, just comes in once a week. I need you to call her and relay a message for me.

Marni: Oh ok. What's her name?

Jorge: Oh, I don't know!

Marni: You don't know her name??

Jorge: Oh, it's like Rosa or something.

Calling housekeeper:

Marni: Hola, llamo por Jorge, quién habla?

Housekeeper: Soy Ana.

Marni whispers to Jorge: Her name is ANA, not ROSA!

Jorge: Oh, yeah yeah yeah...that's right.

After the call:

Jorge: Thanks for doing that.

Marni: No problem. She sounded young - is she young?

Jorge: Oh, I have no idea.

Marni: You don't know??

Jorge: No...my wife is the one that deals with the housekeeper.

Marni: Oh, well, she was very nice.

Jorge: Yeah, but what she doesn't know is that she's about to be FIRED.

Marni: What??

Jorge: Yeah, she's terrible. I'll need to you make another call to her in about a week.

U2 lyrics misleading

on g-chat:

Jorge: hey

you

m

you there

or just starring at this and wondering if you should answer it

I will try Marni

do'

don't warn her
emily: oh hello

bless your heart

why aren't you at work

Jorge: im in sf

emily: with chris?

Jorge: chris is presenting at a conference

gay
emily: in SF?

hahaha

Jorge: yes

emily: why are you on chat

that bored?

Jorge: no really busy

have to go

found what I was looking for

emily: okay

Jorge: so that U2 song was crap after all

"I still haven't found what i am looking for."

well I just did

ok

need coffee

cu

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#17. Why our boss is Dwight Schrute

marni: I'm really blind without my contacts.

boss: I believe that. so am I. I'm just glad I live in the post-Benjamin Franklin era.

marni: you know, I've wondered before, how would I have survived back in the day??

boss: you wouldn't. you would have lived a short brutish life.

marni: what?? that's terrible!!

boss: what? it's true! you would not be able to sense a distant threat.

marni: but I'm a woman!

boss: oh, even WORSE! the middle ages were an especially terrible time for everyone - especially if you were a blind, and even MORE so if you were a woman!

--

emily: I wouldn't eat that jicama salad or baklava if they were the last things on earth.

...boss was staring into space for a few minutes...

emily: I know you are trying to think of something funny to say

boss: No, I'm just thinking that I wish I controlled the world... I would make sure the only thing to eat would be jicama salad and baklava.

--