#13. Why Our Boss is Dwight Schrute

Boss: Are you and Josh doing anything fun this weekend?
Marni: I'm going on a retreat.
Boss: Are you being attacked?
Marni: ...Umm.....
Boss: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to encourage proper use of the English language.
Marni: Everyone says retreat.
Boss: Only stupid people.
Marni: Thanks.
John: What ever happened to calling them revivals.
Marni: You are thinking of something different.
John: Well that is what we call them in the south.
Chris: HA! Revivals are just an opportunity to prey upon unsuspecting souls and coerce them into giving the Revival organizers all of their money.

Buffalo in the Elevator, by Marni

Ok, so I wish I had planned this as a social experiment. If I had, it would have been hilarious. But I didn't, and it was mortifying.

A little background:

This is our mail key.

A buffalo key chain that was given to me by Jorge. He got it at a conference in Nicaragua.

This is what happens when you squeeze the buffalo:

Yes. Poop comes out. Surely you've seen one of these before, right? It's a pooping buffalo key chain, what's not to love?

Ok, so here's the setting:

I have to check the mail, so I grab the mail key, and push the elevator button to head downstairs to the mail room. I'm on the phone with my husband, which helps to pass the time. The elevator door opens to a full crowd of friends all chatting away leaving me in the middle of the elevator with the pooping buffalo key chain..

Out of habit, whenever I have the mail key in my hand, I squeeze the buffalo. I don't even think about it.

Well, as I'm chatting with the hubs, I see in the mirror (the elevator walls are mirrors) one of the ladies has a horrified look on her face, and is nudging her friend pointing at my pooping buffalo key chain.

"Oh, dear," I think to myself.

I turn around and look at her.

Me: Oh, are you talking about this? (holding up my pooping buffalo)

Lady: Yeah, what IS that?!? (disgusted face)

Me: It's a buffalo.

Lady #2: Oh...? (clearly needing more of an explanation)

Chatter has stopped. All 12 eyes are on me.

I've created a monster. I sigh and go on.

Me: Yeah.... when you squeeze it...well... it...... (I demonstrate the pooping buffalo)

Ladies: Eeewww!!!

Me: Yeah, it's kind of vulgar.

Ladies: So GROSS!! (not laughing, very disgusted)

Me: Yeah...

Lady #2: Where did you GET that??

Me: Oh, it's from one of my coworkers...he got it at a conference in Nicaragua.

Ladies: (again) Eww...

Guy from the back: Oh, I thought she had a voodoo doll or something!
Me thinking: voodoo doll????

I don't know what to say, so I just turn back around. I see in the mirror that my face is beet red. Awesome. The elevator continues to make it's way down, going slower than it's ever gone before. When the door opens I can't wait to take my pooping buffalo and get the heck outta dodge.

Reason #12489 Why To Work With Your BFF

Emily: In high school Christian and I made a really cool movie imitating "blood diamond".
Marni: That wasn't high school.
Emily: It wasn't?
Marni: No, it was college.
Emily: How do you know?
Marni: Because you posted it online, no one cared, but I thought it was hilarious.

Thank you Marni, for the daily confidence boosts, I am forever grateful.

Myth Busters (Office Edition)

Silly Putty cracks!?
We put this Myth to the test at the Office.

Meet the Myth Busters.
Juan- model-builder.
Marni- lead tester.
Emily- aerodynamics specialist.

Step 1.
Lay silly putty flat. Position Hammer.


















Step 2.
Hammer.


















Step 3.
Analyze data.


















Step 4.
Myth Busted.


















Conclusion: Silly putty does not crack. It does however provide for a good 15-minute distraction and a curious look from the maintenance staff.

10 Things To Be Thankful For In 2010

1. Maintenance fixed the automatic toilets so that they no longer flush multiple times while you are sitting.

2. Marni took one for the team, and cleaned the war zone that is the mini-fridge after The Great Coke Can Explosion Of 2009.

3. We have a filtered water pitcher thanks to Jorge. Also, the fact that Jorge calls it a "fildered" water because he doesn't like to say "filtered" since it contains the word "turd."

4. After months of 'Marni's Memos,' people are finally catching on to the phenomenon that we like to call 'clean up after yourself'.

5. When techies gather outside of Marni's door laughing and whispering, it gives Marni an excuse to retreat to the safety that is Emily's office.

6. Holiday treats have stopped arriving.

7.We have started calisthenics to reverse the effects of holiday treats.

If you, like Marni, doubt the existence of the word "calisthenics," see
here.

8. Having window offices and waving to the window washers.

9. New social experiment: See how long we can leave up the Christmas
tree until people start complaining. Marni's bet = end of this week.
Emily's bet = end of January.

10. WORKING WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND! *cue Michael W. Smith's
Friends are Friends Forever*

Voicemail has feelings too

The following was a voicemail left on the machine while I was on another call...

Man in an angry voice: "I sure HOPE TO HELL you call me back."

...minutes later the same man calls back...

Emily: "Hello, how can I help you?"
Man in a very kind voice: "Oooooh Hiii! How are you?"

The Bloog Takes a Big Step

G Chat conversation with Emily - who was silent in my time of need.

Marni: I'm officially adding our bloog to my facebook
Marni: it needs some action
Marni: it's too good to go unread
Marni: emily
Marni: do you concur?
Marni: I need your permission
Marni: this is a BIG decision
Marni: emily??

She finally did concur.

Welcome to the bloog, world. Enjoy your stay.

KC & The Sunshine Band

The following phone conversation took place at 01000 hours with Emily and a customer. We can't make this stuff up.

Customer makes a statement, asking if it is correct.
Emily: uh huh
Customer makes another generalization
Emily: uh huh
Customer says final statement
Emily: uh huh, that is correct.
Customer sings: ♫ That's the way, uh huh uh huh I like it. ♫
Emily: .... ha ha (a little bit confused why the customer is singing)
Customer: You reminded me of that song.
Emily: Oohhh, can I help you with anything else?
Customer: Nope. I'm going to sign up with your program because I like it. ♫ That's the way, uh huh uh huh I like it, uh huh uh huh.♫ Okay bye.

My Diabolical Plan. By Marni

Marni: Emily Emily Emily Emily Emily Emily, come in here!!!! The copy room smells like static electricity!!!

Emily: Not now Marni.
Marni: I'm serious, hurry!!!!

Emily goes into copy room.

Emily: It always smells like this.
Marni: I know. It was just my ploy to get you in here.
Emily: Why?
No answer from Marni, only a mischievous grin.

10 minutes later I still have no idea why Marni tricked me into walking into the copy room. If it were anyone but Marni I might be a little more curious.

#12. Why Our Boss is Dwight Schrute

"Christmas is a huge scam" - Cristobal