Miami

Tom walks into the office and starts playing Will Smith's "Miami" on his iphone, he puts the phone in his pocket and walks into the conference room where the Auditors from KPMG are and sits down. They laugh awkwardly as he just smiles.

Tom: "Have you ever been to Miami????"
"Yeah..."
Tom: "Did you know there are REALLY places like the Lizard Lounge??"
"Oh..hahah"
*music keeps playing*
Tom: "Well anyway....." *turns off song*

Wow. Maybe THE most awkward moment in the office. And there have been a LOT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSmKuVSocN8

Customer Calls

Well, I'm cleaning out my inbox making sure there is nothing incriminating ;)

and I've come across some hilarious customer moments. I'll post them here. This was was a conversation Marni recorded.

Phone conversation with customer Suzie Smith*

"Do you accept crippled people?"

"Uh, yes, we do"

"So, how do I pay?"

"We accept payment via credit or debit card"

"You don't accept checks?? Well this is TERRIBLE! I don't have ONLINE banking!!"

"You don't have to have online banking, just a credit or debit card"

"Well...I have a credit card"

"That'll work"

"Well, thanks for your help Margie. It is Margie, right?"

SIGH.

*not the customer's real name

Why my boss is Dwight Schrute

There are no words. Just read the email exchange below:

Tom	1:13 PM (10 minutes ago)
to AllHands

EVERYONE >

See Chris's note and picture below. They had such a beneficial business trip, they went to the Famous Outside Seattle Seafood Market and are bringing home fresh, pacific Salmon and Halibut to share with everyone.

Thursday ----- Bring a cooler and ice or freezer cube so you can take your fish home Thursday night. Our fridge won't be able to accommodate it!

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Chris

Date: Wed, Apr 18, 2012 at 12:57 PM

Subject: Fish on the way

To: Tom

1 pound portions individually wrapped. 40 pounds. Salmon and halibut. Please tell team to plan on eating fish at home thurs night, they can freeze extra. Please have ice in a cooler that they can use to pack their portion for ride home. Let them know bring their own way to take fish home (box, bag, small cooler, garbage bag).

Sent from my iPhone

The Interviews

Oh Cristobal. I may give up with the fake names actually.

Anyway, Chris is super hilarious when it comes to interviews. Imagine how Michael Scott gets when a guest comes to the office, really awkward and says things normal people don't say.

Chris' favorite thing to do is pretend like he's talking to me minutes before the interviewee arrives, "So Emily, make sure you have those reports, statistics, and quantum physics models ready by.... OH Hello David Smith I presume??! Welcome!! Very nice to meet you, come on back..."

Todays interviewee is a jolly British man from NYC. No idea how Chris tricked him into coming here. He's 5 offices down with the door closed interviewing and I can hear every word he's saying. which is fun because of the accent. Chris came to meet him and I told Chris he just left to go to the restroom so Chris was pretending to talk to me, literally saying nonsense and then acted extremely surprised when the Brit walked in. But the jolly Brit didn't seem to notice his awkwardness and started laughing and saying jolly things all the way down the hallway.

Why my boss is Dwight Schrute

I emailed him today saying "Are you coming into the office today?" (it was 11AM) and he responded "I'm baking. Be there after lunch."

(I forgot there was a "cinnamon roll" competition slated for today, of which he is the only participant because no one else brought in cinnamon rolls today.)

Well 2pm, and he's still not here. I g-chat saying "Are you coming into the office today?" and he responded "you can't rush perfection....."

The Topper

Talking loudly in the hallway:

Montreal is awesome.

They're al like "bonjour hello".

The food is ridonkulous.

The girls are all pretty.

Oh the best brunch is this parisian cafe in Highland Park.

It's good. I used to walk to it from the trail.

Oh but Uptowns like all Caviar bars, Russian models.

The best tappas place is Knox-Henderson, obviously.

The M-streets are nice, obviously

There's only one bar left that's decent though.

The great thing about NY is everyone stumbles into the street.

No one is driving.

Why My Boss is Dwight Schrute

Cristobal walks into the office late today:

Cristobal: "Birthdays are made to cause trouble."
Me: "What?"

Cristobal: "They are trouble."

Me: "Who's birthday is it?"

Cristobal: "It was my wife's yesterday."

Me: "Oh my gosh."

Cristobal: "Don't worry, I remembered and I did everything that was asked of me. Somehow I'm still in trouble."

Me: "I'm not surprised."

(walks off mumbling)

Cristobal: "Birthdays should be banned"

Just Call Me Clay Aiken

Because I'm invisible. (non-chart-topper song found on youtube here. Which is, btw, the creepiest song ever.)

I have been moved out of the dungeon (windowless office) and back to the secretary desk. Where I first began over 3 years ago. My magazine clippings of nature scenes are still here, which make me happy.

Anyway, It was like the Koreans all over again. (Korean fiasco can be found in a previous post here). Anytime guests come, Cristobal goes into extreme manic mode. He kept walking past the techies whispering "RELAX". He buys oranges and cranberry bread from whole foods and paces up and down the hallway peeling oranges. He had me windex the windows twice.

So there are 6+ guests in the hallway hovering around my desk, some even lounging on my desk, you know the half sit half stand gag, so awkward. Just talking to each other and joking. Cristobal gives me the eye which could either mean "engage" or "don't say a word" so I go with the latter. Sometimes Cristobal introduces me to important guests and other times I am Clay Aiken. I can never know which its going to be when guests come. He's introduced me to quite refined guests (read: wealthy shareholder from France). And other times I don't even get an introduction to the office supply representative. Whatevs. Now I have this creepy song stuck in my head.

xoxo,

Emily "Clay Aiken" McClenagan

Who's Who in the Office

It's time for our first annual Who's Who.

Due to recent additions to the staff by a hasty maniac who is hiring every person that walks in this door, I have decided to make a list of everyone's nicknames.

Cristobal: The boss man. A hybrid of Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott.

Tomas: The other boss man. Likes to send forwards and give trinkets as gifts.

Jorge: The squatter. Jorge just uses one of our offices but doesn't work for us. No one really knows what he does. Somewhat like Creed in that regard.

Diego: No longer with us, rest his soul. Quit and moved to a different company in January.

Juan: Works from another State, occasionally shows up. Hearts Dragoncon and Starwars/trek/galactic galaxy.

Marni: The other author of this blog. Also no longer works here, but I won't let her memory die. (I recently told PK he was only using Marni's desk and not to get too comfortable).

TDF: Tour de France. TDF is like Kevin from the office, minus the pervert stuff. A gentle giant.

New Guy: The first new guy, name rhymes with Heff. Nicest of the new guys.

PK: Residing in Marni's office. Self-proclaimed Doctor. Keeps name plate on desk that says "Dr. PK". Similiar to Andy Bernard. Loves to talk about his alma mater as if it is the greatest school in the history of the world.

Ann: Ann is actually a man. Another new hire. I named him Ann for his similarity to Ann from Arrested Development. You get the picture.

Topper: Newest of the hires. The name reflects the personality. Always has a "topper" story.

"Topper" Another New Guy

So Cristobal's hiring frenzy continues. I will name him "Topper".

Topper lived in NYC for a short period of time. Like 2 years.

He's been in this office for four hours.

And I've lost count of the number of times he's said:

"Well, the _________ in New York City is so much better."

(blocks, food, cars, elevators, offices, paper, oxygen, ENTER EVERY WORD IN THE DICTIONARY)

I'd like to make an important note that Topper isn't even from New York. He's from Texas. So he can just cool it with the Everything-Is-Better-In-New-York-City-Schtick. You aren't fooling anyone here pal!