Goodbye MileMeter, Zengine, Dwight Schrute, etc...

"Goodbye Toby, Gooodbye Toby, Goooooodbye TOBY, GOODBYE TOBY!!!!!!!"

I truly truly never thought this day would come! The time has finally come to end this bloog, and make it into a coffee table book. There just simply aren't words to incapsulate all that this Office has been. I didn't even bloog the majority of conversations and hilarity that happened around here. But I think I got a good grasp of it. It's actually been the perfect first "real" job. The bossman, although sometimes insane, is a truly generous boss who went out of his way to make teach me about the business world, and world in general.  Even though it was through his anti-establishment and somewhat cynical lenses, I did learn a lot.

I walked into this building in October 2008 and they had no furniture, no wall hangings, just a few second hand tables and desks. In the interview, I said my favorite book was "The Hatchet" (yes, the book you read in 8th grade.) When asked why I want to work at the up and coming revolutionary "MileMeter", I said "because I need a job." Great interview skills. Regardless, they hired me. In my 3.5 years at MileMeter, I have been a secretary, insurance agent, office manager, claims adjuster, accountant, marketer, salesperson, welcome sign writer, post-it design maker, catering representative, and CEO (self-proclaimed one lonely day in the office).

We gradually added furniture and phones. In February of 2009, I convinced Marni to work here, which provided the best 2 years here. We wore yellow shirts and tried to get cowboys to sign up for MileMeter at the Stock Show. We played practical jokes and office experiments and elevator experiments. We talked life and theology with George. We made countless dance videos and waved to the window washers. We used Tom's office for our best friends bachelorette party (hello downtown skyline!). We begged for lunch breaks and settled for our leftovers in my offices while watching House, The Office, and sometimes the Bachelor. We wore snuggies and took pictures around the office. We g-chatted constantly. We played Kris Allen YouTubes on loudspeaker for KPMG auditors, birthdays, and really any occasion. We cried when customers cussed at us and laughed when they shared their life stories. We cringed when they found out where we worked and came to visit. We made nicknames for everyone in the Office, and everyone outside out office. MM, Tight Jeans, New Guy, Salt and Pepper, Tour de France, Black Shorts, Mom, Fratty, Bobby Peacock, and more. We played a legendary April Fools and then wore Scarlet L's. We later were able to celebrate the *real* best engagement story ever. We read this bloog over and over and changed the settings from public to private a million times. Then we cried when Marni had to leave. Mostly I cried.

Then I took on claims alone. It wasn't so bad as RD had great timing and I also got to think about the rest of our life together! The job was so flexible and I was able to get plenty of time off for wedding stuff. By plenty of time I mean Thanksgiving to January 3rd. All the claims nightmares were well worth it for a stress free vacation. Then we shut down MileMeter. I called thousands of customers and said "it's over". And they said "But you promised you'd never go out of business!" And I said "I know, the government put us out of business." And they said "I will write a letter!" And I said "Take care, bye bye." A lot of customers cried and even more were worried about my losing my job. So they weren't as heartless as I thought! Chris let me keep my job even though my tasks began to dwindle to odds and ends. Mostly odds. Like hand delivering checks (guess I can add courier to my resume) and going to Whole Foods. And now in my last day, it's hard to say goodbye to a place I thought I would run out of on my last day. It's been fun, and hard. Mostly fun. But I'm so grateful for this wacky crazy place. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Miami

Tom walks into the office and starts playing Will Smith's "Miami" on his iphone, he puts the phone in his pocket and walks into the conference room where the Auditors from KPMG are and sits down. They laugh awkwardly as he just smiles.

Tom: "Have you ever been to Miami????"
"Yeah..."
Tom: "Did you know there are REALLY places like the Lizard Lounge??"
"Oh..hahah"
*music keeps playing*
Tom: "Well anyway....." *turns off song*

Wow. Maybe THE most awkward moment in the office. And there have been a LOT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSmKuVSocN8

Customer Calls

Well, I'm cleaning out my inbox making sure there is nothing incriminating ;)

and I've come across some hilarious customer moments. I'll post them here. This was was a conversation Marni recorded.

Phone conversation with customer Suzie Smith*

"Do you accept crippled people?"

"Uh, yes, we do"

"So, how do I pay?"

"We accept payment via credit or debit card"

"You don't accept checks?? Well this is TERRIBLE! I don't have ONLINE banking!!"

"You don't have to have online banking, just a credit or debit card"

"Well...I have a credit card"

"That'll work"

"Well, thanks for your help Margie. It is Margie, right?"

SIGH.

*not the customer's real name

Why my boss is Dwight Schrute

There are no words. Just read the email exchange below:

Tom	1:13 PM (10 minutes ago)
to AllHands

EVERYONE >

See Chris's note and picture below. They had such a beneficial business trip, they went to the Famous Outside Seattle Seafood Market and are bringing home fresh, pacific Salmon and Halibut to share with everyone.

Thursday ----- Bring a cooler and ice or freezer cube so you can take your fish home Thursday night. Our fridge won't be able to accommodate it!

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Chris

Date: Wed, Apr 18, 2012 at 12:57 PM

Subject: Fish on the way

To: Tom

1 pound portions individually wrapped. 40 pounds. Salmon and halibut. Please tell team to plan on eating fish at home thurs night, they can freeze extra. Please have ice in a cooler that they can use to pack their portion for ride home. Let them know bring their own way to take fish home (box, bag, small cooler, garbage bag).

Sent from my iPhone

The Interviews

Oh Cristobal. I may give up with the fake names actually.

Anyway, Chris is super hilarious when it comes to interviews. Imagine how Michael Scott gets when a guest comes to the office, really awkward and says things normal people don't say.

Chris' favorite thing to do is pretend like he's talking to me minutes before the interviewee arrives, "So Emily, make sure you have those reports, statistics, and quantum physics models ready by.... OH Hello David Smith I presume??! Welcome!! Very nice to meet you, come on back..."

Todays interviewee is a jolly British man from NYC. No idea how Chris tricked him into coming here. He's 5 offices down with the door closed interviewing and I can hear every word he's saying. which is fun because of the accent. Chris came to meet him and I told Chris he just left to go to the restroom so Chris was pretending to talk to me, literally saying nonsense and then acted extremely surprised when the Brit walked in. But the jolly Brit didn't seem to notice his awkwardness and started laughing and saying jolly things all the way down the hallway.

Why my boss is Dwight Schrute

I emailed him today saying "Are you coming into the office today?" (it was 11AM) and he responded "I'm baking. Be there after lunch."

(I forgot there was a "cinnamon roll" competition slated for today, of which he is the only participant because no one else brought in cinnamon rolls today.)

Well 2pm, and he's still not here. I g-chat saying "Are you coming into the office today?" and he responded "you can't rush perfection....."

The Topper

Talking loudly in the hallway:

Montreal is awesome.

They're al like "bonjour hello".

The food is ridonkulous.

The girls are all pretty.

Oh the best brunch is this parisian cafe in Highland Park.

It's good. I used to walk to it from the trail.

Oh but Uptowns like all Caviar bars, Russian models.

The best tappas place is Knox-Henderson, obviously.

The M-streets are nice, obviously

There's only one bar left that's decent though.

The great thing about NY is everyone stumbles into the street.

No one is driving.

Why My Boss is Dwight Schrute

Cristobal walks into the office late today:

Cristobal: "Birthdays are made to cause trouble."
Me: "What?"

Cristobal: "They are trouble."

Me: "Who's birthday is it?"

Cristobal: "It was my wife's yesterday."

Me: "Oh my gosh."

Cristobal: "Don't worry, I remembered and I did everything that was asked of me. Somehow I'm still in trouble."

Me: "I'm not surprised."

(walks off mumbling)

Cristobal: "Birthdays should be banned"

Just Call Me Clay Aiken

Because I'm invisible. (non-chart-topper song found on youtube here. Which is, btw, the creepiest song ever.)

I have been moved out of the dungeon (windowless office) and back to the secretary desk. Where I first began over 3 years ago. My magazine clippings of nature scenes are still here, which make me happy.

Anyway, It was like the Koreans all over again. (Korean fiasco can be found in a previous post here). Anytime guests come, Cristobal goes into extreme manic mode. He kept walking past the techies whispering "RELAX". He buys oranges and cranberry bread from whole foods and paces up and down the hallway peeling oranges. He had me windex the windows twice.

So there are 6+ guests in the hallway hovering around my desk, some even lounging on my desk, you know the half sit half stand gag, so awkward. Just talking to each other and joking. Cristobal gives me the eye which could either mean "engage" or "don't say a word" so I go with the latter. Sometimes Cristobal introduces me to important guests and other times I am Clay Aiken. I can never know which its going to be when guests come. He's introduced me to quite refined guests (read: wealthy shareholder from France). And other times I don't even get an introduction to the office supply representative. Whatevs. Now I have this creepy song stuck in my head.

xoxo,

Emily "Clay Aiken" McClenagan

Who's Who in the Office

It's time for our first annual Who's Who.

Due to recent additions to the staff by a hasty maniac who is hiring every person that walks in this door, I have decided to make a list of everyone's nicknames.

Cristobal: The boss man. A hybrid of Dwight Schrute and Michael Scott.

Tomas: The other boss man. Likes to send forwards and give trinkets as gifts.

Jorge: The squatter. Jorge just uses one of our offices but doesn't work for us. No one really knows what he does. Somewhat like Creed in that regard.

Diego: No longer with us, rest his soul. Quit and moved to a different company in January.

Juan: Works from another State, occasionally shows up. Hearts Dragoncon and Starwars/trek/galactic galaxy.

Marni: The other author of this blog. Also no longer works here, but I won't let her memory die. (I recently told PK he was only using Marni's desk and not to get too comfortable).

TDF: Tour de France. TDF is like Kevin from the office, minus the pervert stuff. A gentle giant.

New Guy: The first new guy, name rhymes with Heff. Nicest of the new guys.

PK: Residing in Marni's office. Self-proclaimed Doctor. Keeps name plate on desk that says "Dr. PK". Similiar to Andy Bernard. Loves to talk about his alma mater as if it is the greatest school in the history of the world.

Ann: Ann is actually a man. Another new hire. I named him Ann for his similarity to Ann from Arrested Development. You get the picture.

Topper: Newest of the hires. The name reflects the personality. Always has a "topper" story.

"Topper" Another New Guy

So Cristobal's hiring frenzy continues. I will name him "Topper".

Topper lived in NYC for a short period of time. Like 2 years.

He's been in this office for four hours.

And I've lost count of the number of times he's said:

"Well, the _________ in New York City is so much better."

(blocks, food, cars, elevators, offices, paper, oxygen, ENTER EVERY WORD IN THE DICTIONARY)

I'd like to make an important note that Topper isn't even from New York. He's from Texas. So he can just cool it with the Everything-Is-Better-In-New-York-City-Schtick. You aren't fooling anyone here pal!

How I Make It Through Friday

Cristobal's Birthday... sort of...

Oh goodness gracious how do I even start this post.

Wednesday, January 18th, Tomas comes into my office and is like

"Psst, Emily, I got a reminder that it's Cristobal's birthday today. Do me a favor eh and buy him a cake."

Tomas is in full-on mob mode and at this point has slipped me $30 secretly. He actually did dealings with the mob in NYC in the '70s. 

Cristobal doesn't celebrate birthdays. Or any holiday really. He thinks they are superfluous and American propaganda. So I knew a traditional birthday cake would be nothing short of offensive, so I called for a seasonal fruit tart. 

Family lunch (which can be read about here), was on Cristobal's birthday, so I alerted the techhies to keep conversation flowing while I snuck out to get the cake about 20 minutes into lunch. A normal lunch is about 30 minutes max, and that includes 3-4 minute stretches of absolute silence. I knew this would be a risk to leave them unattended but I had to go. 

I returned 20 minutes later empty handed because the cake wasn't ready so they said they would deliver it. I walk into the room and all eyes are on me, panick across everyone's face, and Tomas gives me his best "whatsdamattawithya" mob look. 

The next few minutes were painful for everyone. The techhies didn't know if we should keep talking. Tom started sweating. Cristobal was gleefully happy everyone was still sitting down after the 30-minute mark. Think happy Michael Scott when The Office actually goes along with whatever ridiculous idea he has. 

Anyway. Cristobal stepped out for a moment and I told everyone to "Be Cool the cake is on its way" which resulted in a roar of laughter, I'm still not sure why. Finally a few minutes later the fruit tart cake arrived, to which we all said:

Happy Birthday Cristobal!!!

To which he replied, "My birthday is next Wednesday."

Tomas is shuffling around on his phone and admits "Oh, it was the week in advance reminder....."

So, we ate Fruit Tart cake and celebrated Cristobal's non-birthday and went back to our offices. A week later no one said a word on Cristobal's actual birthday and NG's (his intro here) birthday was today,  which no one was aware of, so I went scrambling for another cake hoping it was actually his birthday.

New Guy (Newer than other New Guy)

Cristobol hired someone new. Don't know his name yet. So we'll call him Ann (like Ann from Arrested Development)

Ann: "There's no badges or employee ID's?"

Cristobol: "Those are forthcoming." (yeah right)

Ann: "What is the dress code?"

Cristobol: "Professional dress. What you're comfortable with." (read: ratty shirt and jeans, or hawaiin shirt if you are TDF)

Ann: "I heard there is a lunch schedule?"

Cristobol: "Once a week, Diego's last day is Friday, so he's cooked us pork tacos this week." (jury is still out on that)

Ann: "These are big monitors!"

Cristobol: "Yeah.... we take care of our employees!!!" (I'd like to beg to differ from the dungeon.)

Ann: "Apple does everything so pretty." (is this your first apple newbie?? and you call yourself a programmer?!!?)

Ann: "I figured today would be mostly configuration."

Cristobol: "Take whatever chair you want!!" (except mine, because I stole Tom's bc my back was hurting in the cheap chairs of the dungeon.)

Ann: "I may have some newbie-ish sounding questions regarding programming." (good hire, Cristobol)

Cristobol: "The next person I hire the first day will run much smoother I'll have it all automated, I'm sorry about all the paper work." (hahahah, sure Cristobol, sure).

Simply Stunning

The Office is running off their customers because we are shutting the business down  and starting a new business. We had one customer who would refuse to authorize a cancellation and Cristobal did all but beg (ok he begged too) and these were their final two email exchanges.

-----------------------------

On Tue, Jan 24, 2012 at 5:09 PM,

wrote:

Send the refund.  I already told you once to do whatever you want, since obviously I had no choice in the matter.

And for the record, Company A and Company B were higher than almost anyone else I checked with.   Something called "Elephant Company" seems to be the cheapest, but being a start up I guess they'd probably fail and bail out on me like your company did.

I may not be driving much longer anyway.

Customer

Cristobal chris@theoffice.com	9:32 AM (1 minute ago)
to Customer, bcc: me

Thank you, Mr. Customer.  You are a gentleman and a scholar.

The full refund will go in the mail today.  Your policy will be

effective through midnight 31 January 2012.

Sincerely,

Cristobal

-----------------------------

A gentleman and a scholar!?!?!??! Who actually says that?!?!

Diego is leaving The Office

This is how the most-awkward-announcement-in-the-history-of-the-world went down:

at lunch Cristobal out of no where says:

Cristobal: "It's with much regret that I have to inform you...."

(Cristobal: turns bright red)

Cristobal: "Diego is leaving The Office."

(alll eyes on Diego)

Cristobal: "Diego helped build this company, and he's moving on to smaller things."

(awkward laughter from Diego).

Cristobal: "He's leaving on a good note. Diego the floor is yours."

(eyes back to Diego)

Diego: "I'm going to work for a larger company."

(silence)

(silence)

Cristobal: "He wants to work from home."

(some laughter)

Diego: "Yah, they have great flexibility...and I'm headed back to South Caro...."

(Cristobal: interrupts)

Cristobal: "His boys are in South Carolina."

Diego: "Yep."

(silence)

Cristobal: "Well.... thanks for all your hard work Diego. Engineers get as much knowledge out of him as you can."

Good Bye Diego

Diego in Late

Only Marni would understand the significance....

THE INFAMOUS RANT LIST!!!!!!

This is the infamous rant list. One day at work Cristobal starting ranting about things he hates, Marni and I started taking notes, we then asked for a comprehensive list of all things he hates. Each topic we have heard Cristobal rant about for anywhere from ten minutes to two hours. Thus, we give you... the rant list.

Chris' Rants

• beets
• bees
• shoes
  • kid shoes
    • construction
    • price
  • heels
• grass (especially in relation to city ordnances)
• US government
• insurance industry
• bridesmaids dresses
  • “bridesmaids should be allowed to wear a nice pair of slacks if they want to”
• tax (although we don't remember this one, Chris insists he's said this rant to us)
• alcohol
  • good v. bad
  • wine
  • beer and lagers
• church music
• tailoring
  • men's dress shirts
  • ties
  • problems for long torsos
• resale shops
• candy
• Germany
• Dora the Explorer
• suburbia (this was a big one...and it got pretty heated)
• corrupt governments of foreign countries
• Tienanmen Square
• TDI
• state employees
• government clearance levels
• “When we make a lot of $ we will _____”
• Dallas
• neighbors
• “When we move to _____”
• TV (sucks)
• MUSIC (very common rant and topic in general)
• propaganda
• American universities
  • Application process
  • Standardized testing
  • traditions/brainwashing (ie: Aggie ring)
• fine dining
• terrible artwork
• IKEA furniture
• cheese
• poop
• jewelry
• ice
• holidays
  • celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, etc
  • National Recognition Days (Black History Month, Secretary Appreciation Day, etc)
• diamonds (“intrinsically worthless”)
• laziness/gluttony
  • standing on escalators
  • wasting one's youth
• obesity
• saturated fats in almonds
• employee handbooks
• weddings and proposals
• San Antonio
• religion
• DTS
• 2002 Jaguar (being a glorified Ford Taurus)
• Switzerland
• dental care
• church leadership
• the “founding fathers” of American/Revolution (all lies)
• Bad design
  • poor floor division for AC ventilation
  • zoning laws
  • poor uses of space
• cheerleaders
• “You haven't seen ___ (movie) yet??”
  • “You STILL haven't seen When Harry Met Sally?!” (see below)
• men and women can't be just friends (When Harry Met Sally)
• “Just SAY it!” (in reference to using just a letter to replace profanity)
• fences
• Disney World (boring, ridiculously long lines)
• hiring discrimination laws
• Americans
• grammar
• pronunciations (ironically enough)
• having a degree being more important than experience (baloney)
• fast food
• exercise
• gyms and meatheads
• straightening hair
• makeup (and its overuse)
• Christian bookstores
• furniture
• insect bits in food
• Twitter/Facebook
• the sun is actually good for your skin (Vitamin C)
• skinny fat girls (w/ no muscle mass)
  • ex: The Bachelorette (Jillian) and his grandma
• TV and movie branding
  • unethical
  • should be no advertising to children
• poor construction
  • tools (cheaply made hole punch)
  • Building codes in America (modern buildings only built to last 20-30 years)
• cell phones in cars
• proper stretching
• incorrect usage of words (especially gay)
• homeowner's associations
• sodium (especially in canned soups)
• phone system
• AT&T
• 1700 Pacific Management
• DISD
• MHMR (and how little they spend on “retards” (courtesy of emily who likes to “take things too far”))
• junk mail
• credit cards (“cheap credit”)
• Seagoville (“nothing good comes from Seagoville”)
• NCAA
• football
• life's not fair
• people shouldn't have the right to vote (we shouldn't have universal democracy, it should be selective)
• panty hose (“panty hose are just silly...and I've actually worn them, thank you very much”)
• men v. women dress codes
• men's loafers
• pets (most people shouldn't have them)
• hot tubs (one big saltlick, taking a bath with a bunch of dirty, sweaty strangers)
• disrespect (NOT a word)
  • until we looked it up online. And it is. Ha, Chris.
• Perfume
• Burger King (it's disgusting)
• unprepared journalists

Restraining Order On Customers

From: Marni Walsh
Date: Wed, Sep 30, 2009 at 2:28 PM
Subject: restraining order, perhaps?
To: John, Doug, Chris, George, Tom


this is an email sent from a policyholder to emily.  she helped fix a situation with his bank not recognizing us as an insurer.

"Thank you Emily,

Emily thank you for all of your help now I'll give them a call and find out how much they owe me $$$ since I've paid in the past $100.00 with every payment.  If I get a refund Emily I'll take you out to lunch DEAL?  But serious I owe you big time, so think of a place to go to lunch and just tell your co-workers it's your cousin from out of town and that I'm here for the week and for them to mind their own business !!).  Ok Emily thank again I'll keep in touch, remember were now in the year 2009 and the women can call the guy and say I'll take you up on the lunch part with out being so shy.  Well take care and I hope to hear from you, the BALL IS IN YOUR COURT for lunch.

Thank you
Jorge"


-----------------------------

Marni: This convo just happened


Calvin: oh! well I was gonna give y'all more money!
Me: well you can keep your money for now!
Calvin: wow! you never hear that one! haha...so, I guess I can take my money and go out to eat!
Me: that sounds like a good idea!
Calvin: are you into dirty old men?? haha
Me: 
Calvin: I'm 82!
Me: uhh...
Calvin: maybe YOU can come out to eat with me! haha
Me: oh...ha...I don't think my husband would like that too much
Calvin: well, if you don't tell him, I won't!
Me: oh...heh...soooo, yep, you don't need to renew your policy until September!

The Classic "Working From Home" Email

Working from home tomorrow + Errands

	Inbox		X

Reply

|

Doug Bryant

Due to the fact that it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow, I'm going to wor...

10/8/09

Doug BryantLoading...

10/8/09

Doug @com to Chris, me, Marni, John

show details 10/8/09

Due to the fact that it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow, I'm going to work from home and take some time to get some errands done such as getting my TX drivers license, car registration, etc.

Doug

Emily Burrows to Doug, Chris, Marni, John

show details 10/8/09

Due to the fact that it's supposed to rain all day today. I'm going to leave work and go home and watch TV shows and listen to Miley Cyrus.

Goodbye,

I remain,

Emily

Marni Walsh marni.walsh@com to Doug, Chris, me, John

show details 10/8/09

Due to the fact that it's supposed to rain tomorrow, I will be at home in my pjs watching TV all day.

thank you.

I remain,

marni